Silent Heart
by Hide In Darkness
Summary: He had loved once, he would never love again.
1. Sorrow

Summary:

He had loved once, he would never love again.

Rating: K+

Warning:

nothing special, maybe heart-breaking

Author's Note:

No graphic violence? What's happening to me?

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

I take no credit for the quote. I got it from a fanart. If the artist is offended by this, please tell me and I'll remove it.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **Silent Heart**

 **Chapter 1 – Sorrow**

" _For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."_

He still remembered the first time he saw her. The long red hair moving slightly in the summer breeze. The bright green, almond shaped eyes, shining in the sunlight. The smile on her face. The laughter from her mouth, warm as the sun above. No one else had ever managed to touch his heart in this way. He had been only eight years old back then. But he already knew he would never ever forget her.

Lily Evans was her name. Lily, the flower of beauty and elegance. He couldn't think of a better name for her. She had brought light into his darkness, the only light he ever had. And then he had extinguished it. First in his fifth year, for himself. Now forever, for everyone else.

They had been close friends, once. So close. She could talk for hours, and he would listen. He would forget the world around him, and the pain and dangers it held. Only Lily mattered back then. Her presence. Her soft voice. Her kind eyes, filled with happiness.

And all it took for their friendship to fall into pieces was a single word. One word, spoken out of anger. He hadn't meant it, of course. He had told her so, tried to convince her. But she wouldn't listen.

He had always dreaded that this would happen one day. That she would choose someone else over him.

The day of her wedding came, though it was not him standing beside her. She had chosen James Potter. Potter, out of all!

 _He watched her dancing with her husband from the shadows. He didn't dare show himself, spoil her happy day with his presence. As he knew he would._

 _She looked beautiful in her long, white dress. Her eyes shone brighter than the sun. Her laughter brought magic to this place in a way no charm could have done._

 _He couldn't decide what to think, what to feel. On one hand he was disappointed that it was not him dancing with her. He was angry, too. With himself, for ruining their friendship. With Potter, for bringing him in this situation that day. And a little bit, just a little bit, with Lily, for choosing that git. She could have had everyone. If not him, than at least someone less arrogant, someone less … Gryffindor-ish._

 _On the other hand he felt happy, for her. She was cheerful, so he was as well. It had always been like this. No matter how angry, upset, or scared, he was, as soon as he saw her smile, it all disappeared. Like the wind blew away the clouds to reveal the sun._

 _He didn't know what pained him more. The disappointment, her happiness he could not really share this time, or the mere sight of Potter. Whatever it was, it threatened to bring tears to his eyes. And he couldn't allow himself to cry here._

 _With a last sad glance he turned around and left. Back then he had had no idea this would be the last time he would see her alive._

A year had passed since her death now. Once again he found himself kneeling in front of her grave. Red leaves covered the ground around him. Red like her hair had been. A single tear ran down his cheek at the memory of this picture.

 _I'm sorry, Lily_ , he thought, but couldn't find the strength to speak the words aloud. Too painful was the guilt, nagging at his heart. He had tried to fight it off, tried to bury his heart in ice. It numbed the pain for a short while, but it never really worked.

He remembered a saying he had once heard. _"For it was not into my ears you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."_ Well, they had never kissed, but apart from that, every word was true. She had touched his soul in a way no one else ever had. She had been the only person who hadn't left shadows and scars on it.

For a year now, since the night she had died, something inside him was missing. Her death had left a hole behind. A hole not even his vow to protect her son could fill entirely. His heart had been filled with silence ever since. A silence he had never felt before.

"I wished I could follow you to where you are", he whispered. His eyes moved from her name on the gravestone to his right wrist. Two parallel scars crossed his pale skin, right above the arteries. No, not now. "But before I do so, I give everything to protect your son. I promise you."

Then he took out his wand and pointed it at the ground in front of her name. A small, fresh green leave came out of the earth. It grew several inches and started to bloom. Soon a fully grown lily with pure white blossoms decorated the grave.

He remained kneeling on the ground for a few more minutes, silently staring at the flower. Then he turned to leave again.

* * *

 **Seems a bit short to me, considering it took me four days to write. As I said, I'm not made for non-violent stuff, sad as it is.**

 **Well, I hope you enjoyed anyway. Please review! I won't get any other form of payment.**


	2. Rage

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **Silent Heart**

 **Chapter 2 - Rage**

Severus stormed down the halls of the castle. He didn't care if anyone saw him. It was after curfew anyway, at least he could dock points should an unlucky student cross his way.

He didn't really see where he was going. He only knew that he needed to get out. Out of the castle, out of the boundaries. Out, away from this place!

How could the old man expect this of him? Not only killing _him_ , but also sacrifice the boy! The last connection to Lily in this world. What had he done to deserve this? Hadn't he been tortured enough in his life?

Finally he reached the entrance hall. The giant double doors seemed to sense his rage and swung open. Severus greeted the darkness around him. The sky was clouded, the only light came from the castle behind him. The cool breeze didn't do much to extinguish his burning fury.

After a while he left the grounds behind him, but he didn't head to Hogsmeade. People might be outside and he was in no mood to meet anyone. Instead he went deeper into the forest until he reached a small clearing. It was far away so that no one would accidentally come across it, but Severus still cast a silent _Muffliato_.

He paced around the trees, clenching and unclenching his hands, trying – and failing – to calm himself down. If anything, it only enraged him even more. He couldn't take his thoughts away from these words.

" _Part of Lord Voldemort lives inside Harry, and it is that which gives him the power of speech with snakes and a connection with Lord Voldemort's mind that he has never understood."_ How long had Dumbledore known? Known that Voldemort might be able to see through Potter's eyes? As he knew the old man, it had been for quite some time. And he had never considered to warn Severus? What if the Dark Lord had used this connection to spy on him? Or worse, the Order? It wasn't that Potter knew nothing.

" _And while that fragment of soul remains attached to Harry, Lord Voldemort cannot die."_ Of course he knew what that meant as well. Raised only to die, an innocent child! How was he supposed to explain _that_ to Potter? He didn't like the boy, but that didn't mean he wanted to be responsible for the death of a child. Because Potter was barely more than that, not even of age yet.

And then were was the fact that he wouldn't trust Severus. Not after he would have fulfilled his promise to Dumbledore and killed him. In Potter's eyes he would have proven his loyalty to the Dark Lord once and for all. How could he possible belief that this would be no trick to get him out of the Dark Lord's way?

Of course the headmaster couldn't tell the boy himself, either directly or through some hidden message. Of course it had to be Severus, it always was him. Protect Potter with all you have, keep an eye on Quirrel, teach the brat Occlumency, kill Dumbledore. And now tell the Chosen One that he must sacrifice himself. Who did the old man think he was?

And then there was this one sentence that was the real reason for his fury.

" _If I know him, he will have arranged matters so that when he does set out to meet his death, it will, truly, mean the end of Voldemort."_ Dumbledore talked about death like it was nothing! Well, to Severus it _was_ nothing, but that only concerned his own life, not the lives of others. The old man seemed to be willing to sacrifice everyone and everything for the 'Greater Good', as he so proudly called it. It was an easy choice for him, he didn't have to live with the consequences. He didn't know what it was like to be despised by everyone.

Severus fell to his knees. Why was his fate always turning against him? First his father, then his classmates. Later his only true friend died, now he had to kill the only person alive who trusted him.

Out of a sudden he knew where he should be right now. Quickly he got up again, cancelled the _Muffliato_ and disapparated.

* * *

Severus appeared out of thin air on a small hill near a village. The blanket of clouds was thinner here so that the land was flecked with moonlight. It suited her better than the rainy weather at Hogwarts, he thought.

Slowly he made his way down towards the houses. He didn't take the shortest way, avoiding the destroyed building at the edge of the village. The look from the distance was enough for him. Hiding in the shadows, careful not to be seen, he went on. When he passed the pub, he wrinkled his nose in disgust. He hated the smell of alcohol.

He reached the small graveyard near the middle of the village. Severus knew exactly where to go, he'd been there many times before. He stopped in front of the familiar gravestone. Absent-mindedly he cast a few privacy spells around him, then knelt down on the cold ground.

Fifteen years. Fifteen years since she had left this world. And taken his light with her. The world may have seen bright days, happy days since then, but he had not.

Soon her son would join her. It was not meant to be like this. Not that he liked the boy, or cared for him, but Potter did not deserve to die this early in his life. He was only a few years younger than Lily had been.

"Why?", Severus said, his voice breaking, speaking to no one in particular. He didn't even know what he meant. His life in general or only the resent events. Or that he felt guilty about ever death he could not prevent.

After a while he lifted his eyes to the names on the stone. Lily Potter. Even after so many years it still felt … strange. But he had made his peace with her decision. She had been happy, what more could he ask for? He still hated James Potter. Hated him for bullying him, hated him for making Lily choose him rather than Severus, hated him for being a good husband. But he could not, and would not, hate Lily for being happy without him.

"I love you, Lily. I always did and I always will." He waited for a few more seconds, then stood up again and left. Somehow this place always managed to calm him down, no matter how upset he was.

* * *

Just by the way, did someone notice that Harry never thinks about his parent's death on Halloween? Or that Harry remained in the ruins of his parent's house for a full day?


End file.
